The one where I thought I might die…

Holy crapola. What a rollercoaster ride that was! One minute I was sore but fine and the next, I was being sent off for a bone scan, to check that my cancer hadn’t spread. I was dealing with things very well for the four weeks (four weeks?!) that I had to wait for the scan, carried on living life and actually rarely thought about the potentially horrendous outcome. Then, as time went on, and for the week between my scan and the results, things were a little more up and down.

Now and then, Alex and I would Google my symptoms, with me giving the search about one minute of my time before moving on, and Alex probably learning a whole heap of medical terms that no one ever needs to know! You really can’t tell if you’ve got bone cancer without the scan, especially if, like me, you are still recovering from the previous year’s treatment. It was just a surprise to me that pains seemed to be getting worse because I’d had about six months of pretty much nothing more than a boob ache and appalling hair problems – the hair problems that are only going to get worse as I grow it out *sobs*.

Anyway, the scan went well, and I didn’t need any extra time other than the initial twenty minutes in the alien-like pod thingy that they put me in (exactly why I need Alex to research and explain things), which I took as a good sign, until I went away and thought that I might not have actually needed extra time if I was showing visible signs of cancer. It’s at this point that I started planning my pre-treatment holiday. It’s always about travel for me. Alex loves it. I sorely missed going away whilst on treatment last year and my Vitamin D levels were not happy chappies, that’s for sure. I wasn’t going to go without catching some rays first… oh, and before seeing some flamingos in Aruba.

When it came to the results day, I was in average spirits for no reason other than the fact that I had to get up early for my appointment. I’m partial to a lie in… what of it?! Alex was playing along, but I could tell he was worried. What will be, will be, is generally something I live by these days, and I said that out loud a few times… probably just to convince myself (because how the heck is that going to make anyone else feel better)!

We were kept waiting for the usual two hours (joy) and about an hour in, I mentioned to Alex that if they weighed me, then I was a goner, and it was a certainty that I had bone cancer. You see, in the whole time I was treated last year, it was a thing that they took your weight to check you were getting the right amount of meds. Then, about twenty minutes later, they called me in for….  the dreaded weigh in. It was at this point that I thought I was going to die of cancer.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, I did not for one second imagine I was going to die from it. What I looked at as was something I was going to get treatment for and then move on from. I believe that my positive attitude helped me immensely and I thankfully got through it with minimal fuss. When they weighed me, it was a whole different story, and it’s at this point I was not happy with the ‘what will be, will be’ part of my mantra anymore. Yeah, I’m a fickle so and so.

After my weigh in, I still had to wait about half an hour more before I saw the oncologist and these are the things that were going through my mind…

  1. Can I get to the toilet in time before my name is called? I really need the toilet.
  2. How many days should I book that holiday for? I need to see real life flamingos before I die. I’m shaking.
  3. My leg is shaking. Shit, if I need to book a last minute holiday, then there is so much to do. I don’t have any holiday clothes.
  4. Dammit, I gained weight.
  5. Maybe I should take the afternoon off work. Actually, I think I’d feel better if I was working.
  6. I wish my dog was here.
  7. I really need the toilet. Why would they leave you waiting so long after weighing you?
  8. Bloody hell,  I’m going to die of bone cancer.
  9. Soddit. I’m going to the toilet. They can wait.

When they finally called me in to see the oncologist, who happened to be the very first doctor (and everyone’s fave) that I had seen when was diagnosed last year. He instantly told me that my scans were clear. I was just pre-menopausal from my medication and chemotherapy and I am only going to more aches and pains from now on. Boo. Hiss.

10. Shit, there goes my holiday… Alex will never let me see those flamingos now.
11. Dammit. I really need to lose some weight.

The one where I thought I might die...

Photo Credit: Bert Van Wijk/getty Images

Until next time  – Go check your moobs and boobs x

For more info on secondary bone cancer read HERE

3 Responses

  1. Jaime @angloyankophile September 1, 2016 / 9:18 am

    oh Zoelee, I am so glad that your scans were clear. Not glad that you’re pre-menopausal, but so, so relieved. I just can’t imagine the ups and downs of what you have been through and what you’re currently going through … I so admire your courage to face uncertainty and your willingness to share it all with us. Think of you often! x
    Jaime @angloyankophile recently posted…How To: Organize Your WardrobeMy Profile

  2. sandria September 2, 2016 / 3:57 am

    Zoelee. ..what a stressful time. I’m so glad that your bone scan was clear. I think that you deserve to see the flamingos anyway to make up for all the stress you’ve been through! Thanks for your thoughts. Love from all of us here in Aus. We think of you often.

  3. em September 9, 2016 / 11:31 am

    Surely you need a post scare holiday to see the flamingos? I think that’s a thing isn’t it? In fact I am 100% sure that’s a thing. I read about it.
    And a massive phew that all the scans were clear (but a months wait. wow!)
    em recently posted…A look back at August and some September goalsMy Profile

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